The forgotten hymns of Prenton Park
Rewriting the Derby Day tune and dissecting the Armstrong debacle
Outdated song sheets and a viking tug of war
“We’re gonna win 5-1! We’re gonna win 5-1!”
Remember the days when this triumphant old chorus rang out from the away end at Y Cae Ras whenever Birkenhead were in town?
“We’re gonna win 5-1! We’re gonna win 5-1!”
Tranmere went 10 years without setting foot on North Welsh turf between 2005 and 2015, but none of their supporters ever forgot the day they had turned up at The Racecourse a decade earlier and struck a nap hand - aided by an outstanding Man of the Match performance from Wrexham’s short-lived goalkeeper Xavi Valero (who spent all afternoon diving with the enthusiasm of a hungover pensioner playing five-a-side on Queensway).
From that day on, whenever Tranmere played at Wrexham and scored - and they always did score - their supporters would belt out this anthem with unbridled glee.
“We’re gonna win 5-1! We’re gonna win 5-1!”
Two teams have already managed to bag five goals at Y Cae Ras this season, but based on what we all saw last Saturday, Tranmere won’t be joining that club next time we meet. No matter what their old song says.
Indeed, even with a fast-hitting injection of derby day adrenaline pulsing through their bloodstreams, Rovers fans still might not feel confident enough to dust off their hymn sheets and declare themselves 5-1 winners in waiting these days. Unless, of course, they feel like pandering to the Scouse stereotype with some witty irony.
The derby day tune has changed. We don’t get trounced by Tranmere anymore.
Despite our wobbly defensive existence in League Two thus far, the Reds were never in any real danger during the Battle of Prenton Park last weekend. In fact, it was down the other end we had the problems - spurning chances left, right and centre before The Magic Hat banged in a header to remind us all he is as good in the opposition box as he is his own.
A clean sheet in Birkenhead was promptly followed by another against Newcastle U9s in the Takeaway Tournament With Premier League Toppings, and suddenly it seems like we’ve worked out a way to stop registering the kinds of wild results you see on FIFA Ultimate Team.
A pair of new faces - Arthur Okonkwo and George Evans - have been brought in to ensure this better defensive form continues. But attempts to recruit a fresh forward in the shape of Luke Armstrong have been scuppered after the most ridiculous Wrexham transfer soap opera since someone supposedly spotted Kiki Musampa’s agent in the Sainsbury’s Stand (which forced the ex-Man City winger to release a perplexed statement of denial).
You have to feel for Luke Armstrong. For several days, Harrogate’s Viking was left stroking his big ginger beard in bafflement at the centre line as a tug of war for his signature raged on between Wrexham and the EFL.
When the football body successfully yanked Armstrong back into his Harrogate Longship, Wrexham cried “cheat!” and pledged to appeal… only to decide we couldn’t be arsed after learning the EFL probably hadn’t stepped over the line after all.
Nobody seems to be able to agree on what went wrong here. The Wrexham Hollywood shopfront may be all glitz and glamour these days, but the internal systems could still be hopelessly outdated. For all we know, there’s a penny farthing rusting away in the bike shed, and Parky spent his deadline day attempting to wallop a dusty fax machine - which has been in the office since the days of Rockin Robin - into submission whilst screaming “work you f***y f***ing fax machine!!!”.
In reality, it was probably just a simple human error. Either way, it’s over. No Armstrong for us. And we’ll have to find a new route to goal until Pele Mullin starts breathing properly again.
The good news is that we’ve remembered how to win 1-0 - and you’d like to think we can get ourselves a third consecutive clean sheet this weekend against the Football League’s basement side.
Doncaster Rovers are propping up the table with no wins from their first six. Their South Yorkshire contingent must be this close to throwing in the towel and swapping Saturdays at the Eco-Power Stadium for days on the sofa watching old re-runs of Top Gear and cheering on their beloved city son Jeremy Clarkson instead.
So, it’s a big chance for us to kick on. Who knows, maybe we’ll even win 5-1…