Superman drinks kryptonite
Big Ben hanging up his cape is the latest twist in our wacky L2 existence thus far.
The game ain’t in me no more
Around 35 minutes into the Wrexham vs Swindon match on Saturday, as the Tech End net bulged with more regularity than Pierluigi Collina’s eyeballs during a fight on a moonlit football field in Serie A, the frustrated Y Cae Ras faithful began barking half-baked ideas at the bemused-looking Red bench in an attempt to turn the tide.
“Substitute Andy Cannon!” was one. “Get every c*** in the box!” was another. But by half-time, with the National League Champions 4-1 down and looking for all the world that we were going to be humiliated on home turf by a record scoreline, some fans were even suggesting that we take off our outfield players for the army of Wrexham ‘keepers waiting in the wings, so they could all stand in a human pyramid on the goal line to keep the score below double figures.
It seemed worth a try. Because, sadly, our Superman between the sticks looked like he’d guzzled from a water bottle laced with kryptonite. Any time Swindon found themselves with the ball at their feet, they had a pop on target and found their way past Ben Foster - who spent most of his afternoon flapping at thin air and punching grass.
Not that it was all his fault. With a directionless defence and midfield bumbling around his field of vision like human-sized wind-up toys, Fozzy had the odds stacked against him from the start. But one thing was for sure: He certainly didn’t look like the same shot-stopper who wrote history on that fateful day against Notts County mere months ago.
When Swindon went 4-1 up, Foster cut a forlorn figure: Sat in the dirt with his arms draped helplessly over his legs and a pained expression over his face.
Was this the moment he decided: “Ok, I think that’s it now”?
It could have been. And indeed this did turn out to be Foster’s last ever game for Wrexham AFC - with our number one walking into Parky’s office at full-time like Cutty to Avon Barksdale on The Wire and admitting the game wasn’t in him anymore.
No more Super Ben Foster in goal. But he went on to play the second half at least - watching from the other end of the field as a truly weird match swung in our favour and Elliot Lee - with seconds remaining - squeezed another clip into the overstuffed, yet ever-growing, shelf of Wrexham Classics.
Not that it’s a game we’ll all want to relive again anytime soon.
Admittedly, it might come across as churlish not to cherish one of the great comebacks - a match that ended 5-5 with just about everything you could hope to get for your season ticket money.
And true, some bits were incredible.
The two goals in stoppage time produced some fantastic celebrations. Plus, justice was served up to Swindon’s talismanic striker and vocalist on Blur’s top 10 single ‘Parklife’ Charlie Austin. The forgotten forward had salivated at Wrexham’s demise for 95 out of the 96 minutes played on Saturday. But he had to trot down the tunnel with his tail between his legs, having served as a captain so inspirational he’d led his side into throwing away a three goal lead. Brilliant.
Still, there’s no getting away from the truth that the first half was one of the most toe-curling in recent memory. Every fan was shocked to see the same starting XI emerge after the break - having predicted a swathe of ruthless, angry substitutions from our gaffer. But within 10 minutes, those same players had got us back in the game.
So, what do we know? Not as much as Parky, that’s for sure. And you can bet your bottom dollar he’ll be feverishly working on a fresh plan to plug our leaky backline sooner rather than later.
The first decision he has to make is who goes in the net now. We have a small village of keepers to choose from, but somehow no obvious, immediate candidate for the spot. Sligo Rovers’ loanee Luke McNicholas, ex-Bradford PA’s Liam Hall, and Mark Howard are all in contention - yet most would still favour a one-armed Rob Lainton to don the gloves if he was willing.
In reality, McNicholas and Hall have seemingly been signed for the future, and with unlucky Lainton apparently doomed to a career in the treatment room, Howard - who is already the proud owner of our only clean sheet this season after the 0-0 with Wigan - seems the obvious choice. Whether that’s temporary or not remains to be seen.
Our next opponents, Barrow, have started well but only scored five goals all season, so this is - in theory - a good chance to keep the scoreline down. A grim 1-0 victory in Cumbria isn’t usually cause for huge celebration, but after last Saturday, this scenario has become an improbably idyllic thought.
There was never any suggestion that life in League Two would be boring. But 3-5, 4-2, and 5-5 in our first three home games reads more like a set of results for Brickfield Rangers U14s than a world-famous professional club.
Maybe that’s just the way it is, now. Last season was full of thrillers, after all. Problem is, no matter how many epic see-saws you sit through, it doesn’t get any easier to watch.
Perhaps we’ll just have to get used to it. If anyone has worked out how to keep their matchday emotions in check and maintain their heartbeat at a healthy, steady thud, please let me know.