Annnnd we’re rolling
You’ve got two choices.
You can grab a preposterously-sized bucket of popcorn - the kind you might find in an American multiplex or Mark Guterman’s kitchen - or you can get up and exit the theatre of social media right now.
Make a decision. Because the latest Wrexham Transfer Rumours movie is about to start.
The projectionist has loaded the reel of our annual summer blockbuster: A franchise with more sequels than Marvel and each instalment longer than a Martin Scorsese script.
These screenings split critical opinion every year. Some love the drama. Others can’t stand it. But just like Adam Sandler productions in the nineties and noughties, there’s absolutely no stopping them.
The trailers have already given us a sneak peek at what we might be in for. Cameos from Jamie Vardy and Macaulay Langstaff are confirmed, and there’s no doubt there’ll be a half-baked sub-plot thrown in somewhere along the way about Gareth Bale coming out of retirement.
The lights have dimmed and it’s already started. From now until September, it’s all Wrexham will be talking about (apart from maybe Hickory’s - which has proven so popular with locals it’s busier than the Tech End bar at half-time).
If you aren’t too fussed about missing the opening scenes of Wrexham Transfer Rumours - which will be a hodgepodge of talking heads from sites like wrexhamtransferexperts.net and leagueoneintel.bullshit - it might be worth taking in a tribute video of our title winners instead.
Six big names took their final bow last week - handing over a quality showreel as they did so.
The new CfaQ pores over the footage to examine what kind of legacy each of them has left behind, just as the new Transfer Rumours movie starts to roll…
The mysterious Magic Hat: Aaron Hayden
It’s fitting that there was a sense of enigma around the man affectionately known as The Magic Hat.
In Wrexham colours, Aaron Hayden was a paradox: A player who had a reputation for fearlessly heading blocks of cement, but also suffering from a rumoured case of hypochondria.
The terraces bellowed about Hayden’s enthusiasm to rhino-charge any object that might come flying at him through the beams of Y Cae Ras floodlights, but the chatter away from the stadium was of a man whose injuries were worse in his head than they were in reality.
Hayden would salmon-leap through the air to head-butt balls away from his own net and into the opposition’s, and then every once in a while would quietly sink to the ground and chat with the physio before being escorted off the field.
The Magic Hat seemed to have so many spells on the sidelines. Many of them were obviously very real, very serious and very unlucky. But as hours spent on the treatment table tottered up, speculation of a Klopp-Sturridge scenario emerged - in which Parky and Hayden were not on the same page as to whether the player was in a good enough condition to play.
Chinese whispers soon became “fact” - as they so often do in football gossip - and there was no confirmation of whether Hayden had a different idea of what a real injury looked like. What we can be sure of, however, is that he’s only departing Wrexham because he’s not played enough minutes, rather than a lack of ability.
There is no underestimating what a monumental signing he has been. His forehead is forever etched into the Wrexham history books and he will be fondly remembered for years to come.
Classy defenders with an eye for goal are like gold dust. But ultimately, the gold is no good if you can’t spend it.
His exit is sad, but not a surprise.
Mr Dependable: Rob Lainton
When you’ve got a problem at your house, you can either try to patch it up yourself or get a proper pro to sort it for you. And the odds of a good result are usually better when an expert comes in.
That’s what it felt like when Rob Lainton played: The guy knew exactly what he was doing. Whenever he was between the sticks, Wrexham were a safer, better-looking side. He oozed confidence and it spread to his teammates like melted butter seeping through a slice of toast.
“Consistent” is not an exciting adjective for a footballer. Most would rather be labelled as “skilful” or “intelligent” or “grafting”. But consistency is underrated and you need players who will give you a minimum of 7/10 every week. Rob Lainton was consistent. He also made some of the best saves some of us will ever see.
Sadly, he was also brittle. And if Lainton was looking for someone to blame for his back luck with injuries, he could aim a gloved finger at Bromley.
Lainton was - incredibly - stretchered off the same patch of grass three years in a row, and the match at Hayes Lane in March 2023 would be the last time we saw him in a Wrexham shirt.
After testing out four different goalkeepers this season - with Ben Foster, Mark Howard and Luke McNicholas all having a go before we found a solution in Arthur Okonkwo - it was inevitable that Lainton would depart North Wales this summer when his contract expired.
At 34, you’d hope he still has another club in him yet. Because when he’s fit, he really is one of the safest pairs of hands on any pitch.
Gifts from Wearside: Callum McFazdean
If there had been no Sunderland ‘Til I Die, there would have been no takeover. No millions. No documentary of our own. Maybe even no return to the Football League.
So at the very least, we owe the production team at Fulwell 73 a pint or two for creating a show so captivating it inspired Hollywood to replicate their own version in Wales. But we’re also indebted to the people of Sunderland for Phil Parkinson and Callum McFadzean.
Parky’s spell in the North East yielded no real success - meaning he was available by the time we were ready for a new gaffer for our Hollywood era. But it was also at Sunderland that Parky met McFadzean - whom he signed again for the Reds in 2022.
Neither Parky nor McFadzean would appear on Sunderland ‘Til I Die as the crew took a break from shooting - but this is probably a blessing as neither left Wearside with a fond farewell. Parky was labelled a “dinosaur” by Black Cats fans, whereas McFadzean was called one of the “worst” players the club had ever bought. One supporter on the Sunderland forum commented: “Usually you can say at least one positive about a player i.e. works hard, runs, good def, good attack but McFadzean was just...existing.”
You could hear the sound of knives sharpening above the Racecourse PA system on McFadzean’s debut - which he duly cut short after two assists and a Man of the Match award. Not bad for the worst player in Sunderland.
He never quite hit those dizzy heights again - but he was a solid, dependable member of a title-winning team with a fun-loving attitude. There were stories of him hiding behind a bin lid to escape Parky’s wrath after a poor defensive display one afternoon, and he was also captured on camera leaving a portaloo outside the ground quipping: “When the caravan’s rocking, don’t come a-knockin’!”
In April 2023, unscrupulous Barnet goalkeeper Laurie Walker duped the referee into handing McFadzean a red card for a “stamp”, and he was destined to become a bit-part player after that - with Parky’s interview on the latest series of WTW revealing James McClean was brought in to create competition for Mendy, with no mention of the fact Fadz played in that same position.
After just 85 minutes of game time this year, the writing was on the wall. But Fadz often held his own in a squad that has steadily gotten stronger ever since his arrival. A good piece of business.
One small throw for man, one giant launch for Toz’: Ben Tozer
One of the best moments of the Champions Night celebrations - before things got blurry - was Ben Tozer carrying the trophy to the Mold Road touchline, hauling it behind his head, and using it to mimic his renowned long-throw.
The sight of Toz’ trotting over to the sideline, wrapping the ball in a towel, and arching his back over the advertising boards sent quivers of anticipation across stadiums for two seasons. Any time a defender put the ball in touch, it was akin to getting a free-kick on the edge of the box. Tozer’s rocket launcher throw-ins would induce panic in opposition areas like foxes released into a rabbit hutch, and the resulting scramble would often see someone banging in a header at the back post.
Promotion to League Two meant Tozer’s towels were taken away (EFL rules) and several media outlets ran pieces musing how Wrexham would cope without their most dangerous weapon. But Tozer was far more than a one trick pony. True, he had a nasty habit of turning into Peter Kay on the John Smith’s advert from time to time, but he’d also roar down every attacker that came his way, showing a panache for crisp finishing when the ball dropped kindly at the other end of the field.
His head never dropped and his mouth never shut. Even when he wasn’t playing, Tozer could often be seen powering up and down the touchline barking encouragement or instructions at the rest of the group.
In a team of titans, he always stood tall.
Maybe we’ll see him back here among the coaching staff one day.
The National League Butcher: Jordan Tunnicliffe
It’s a shame that Jordan Tunnicliffe has departed before we had the chance to play Blackpool, because he’s exactly the sort of man you’d want alongside you in the pitch-black horror maze at the Pleasure Beach.
Nothing phased Tunnicliffe. He was as tough as nails and scared of no one. His insistence on throwing himself into every challenge meant he eventually acquired a permanent head bandage - resembling a National League Terry Butcher. But he also suffered with injuries.
By the time the League Two season had got into full flow, O’Connell, O’Connor and Cleworth had made rightful claims to keep Tunni out of the team.
We couldn’t have wished for a more talented back three than Hayden, Tozer and Tunnicliffe just over a year ago. Now they’re all gone.
Times they are a-changing.
Captain Fantastic: Luke Young
They say there’s no room for sentiment in football.
For the perfect case in point, see Wrexham’s Promotion Party in Torquay - when club captain Luke Young was left out of the squad to play against his former side despite the fact we were already record-breaking title winners.
Young had lost his place in the team towards the end of the season and was not granted a deserved cameo in his home county that day. Maybe there was something else going on. Perhaps a niggle that nobody mentioned? Or he just wasn’t feeling up to snuff? But the wider consensus was that Parky simply didn’t pick him. The manager wanted to play a team that would win - and Young wasn’t part of that formation, despite his massive contributions in previous weeks, months and years.
Young could have launched his toys out of the pram, snapped the pram in half, and set the shattered pieces alight in the Crispin Lane car park. Many players in his position would have felt hard done by. But as far as we can tell, he didn’t bat an eyelid. He never did. That’s just the way he was.
What was so admirable - and captain-like - about Young was that he saved his talking for the pitch. He respected the gaffer’s calls. Every week, rain or shine, starter or sub, he’d be the same player: Bounding across the field like a Red Setter after a tennis ball, diving into every tackle, and firing in the occasional top bins worldie.
He also had one of the best - albeit underutilised - chants in his name to the tune of Rotterdam by The Beautiful South: “Twenty yards or thirty yards, everywhere we go. Forty yards or fifty yards, Young’s scoring goaaaaaals. Youngy’s scoring goals.”
He was right there with us at the lowest moment (19th in non-league). And he was still there with us at our best.
A stalwart. A legend. A role model. Youngy was a class act all the way.
His departure - after six years - is the biggest indicator of how a new era is being ushered in at Y Cae Ras. It’s time for new stars to be born. All of whom we’ll meet this summer.
What else is there to say? On with the show…