Club bouncers, stolen points and fake sausages
The Hatters remain in front of the Club 72 queue. And they're blocking our route to Wembley.
The immovable hat-shaped object of Stockport
When Wrexham were turfed out of Club 72 on a dark Tuesday night in April 2008, nobody else said a word in protest.
We’d been stumbling and staggering around in the dark basement of the division for two years, so it was no surprise to see us grabbed by our scruffy red shirts and finally tossed through the door by the Football League bouncers, our 87-year-old membership card indefinitely confiscated.
“Time to go, lads” was the consensus.
14 years later, we’re still standing in a queue attempting to get back in. Club 72 is apparently more exclusive than we’d ever imagined.
We’ve tried everything. 14 different outfits. 14 different managers. Nothing has worked.
Not even a snazzy Wrexham team dressed to the nines with 98 points could gain entry to Club 72 - with the 2012 VIP spot instead awarded to Fleetwood and Jamie Vardy, who swaggered past with Blue WKDs linked between his fingers like an alcopop-addicted Wolverine, shouting “chat shit, get banged” to those left behind in the queue.
For the most part, it’s been gruelling and dull out here in the non-league cold. There have been a few occasions where we thought we’d done enough to be welcomed back inside the members club. And there have been plenty of other times when we realised we weren’t getting in long before the night was over.
But 2022 brought fresh optimism of being ushered upstairs. We’ve got an A-list celebrity on each arm, a big smile on our face, and an attractive bunch of footballers in tow. But, alas, we’re still not guaranteed entry. Some hat-wearing quasi-Mancs are currently way ahead of us in the queue - meaning the Club 72 bouncers might force us to “try the play-off door instead”. And that’s always been shut.
Somehow, Stockport County are enjoying an even bigger party than the one going on here in Welsh Hollywood - with the Hatters sitting pretty at the top of the league with a seven-point cushion.
“Just give us [the trophy] now, I don’t think anyone would be too bothered,” boasted the host of County podcast The Scarf Bergara Wore, with a fellow fan describing the football at Edgeley Park being so good that recent opponents have been “scared stiff”.
Sadly, this braggadocio isn’t exactly misplaced. County are absolutely flying - on an astonishing run of 17 wins from 18 matches - and the bookies have now listed them at 1/6 to win the league.
Still, Wrexham Club Captain and long-throw enthusiast Ben Tozer hasn’t given up the fight, stating defiantly that he “would rather be hunting the team at the top than be hunted down.”
For us fans, though, this run-in is beginning to dig up repressed memories of 2011/12 - when no amount of gallant chasing got us near the runaway Cod Army, who held firm against our relentless pressure and finished on a ridiculous 103 points.
10 years later, we’re still here. This time, it’s Stockport who just won’t budge - and to make matters worse they’re also blocking our route to Wembley.
Wrexham triumphed at Meadow Lane for the first time in 18 years last Friday, reaching the final four of the FA Trophy and helping us decide we’d actually quite like to win this competition again after all. But to do that, we’ll have to beat The Hatters - who visit Y Cae Ras on April 2 in a lunch-time winner-goes-to-Wembley crunch match.
If things don’t go to plan, we could end up finishing second to Stockport in the league and lose to them in the semi-finals in the same season. Praying that Paddy Madden gets lost in the fedoras section of the Stockport Hat Museum might be too much to ask for - but a slice of good fortune could be handy to avoid that dreadful double runners-up scenario.
All we can do in the meantime is keep winning. This Wrexham side is as convincing as any we’ve had down here, full of stars scoring stylish goals. If anyone can talk us back into Club 72, it’s this lot. We just need those lads in front to get distracted…
Pinching points in Bromley
Walking out of Hayes Lane in August 2015, the mood among the few hundred Reds who’d travelled down to London for the highly-anticipated opening match of the (now ignominious) Gary Mills’ era was a strange blend of bafflement and deflation.
All that most of us could muster was a simple rhetorical question.
Well, that was shit, wasn’t it?
Despite scoring early and keeping most of the ball, Wrexham’s tippy-tappy-tactics were found wanting by the newly-promoted Bromley FC that Saturday afternoon - who waltzed to a 3-1 win and walloped all the early season optimism out of us much earlier than usual.
Our record at Hayes Lane hasn’t gotten much better in the seven years since. The only time we’ve beaten Bromley on their home patch was in 2020 - with a 2-0 victory marking our final win of the season before COVID brought the curtain down on the campaign three weeks later.
Bromley Away is a real banana skin, but we’re still being tipped to nick it. Even in the games we haven’t dominated, Wrexham have gleefully pinched results from under the noses of our opposition, a trait that many in Bromley might well admire. Despite its status as one of the capital’s most up-and-coming areas, Bromley has ranked as the worst for shoplifting. Granted, this is a part of England where most of your wages are gobbled by greedy landlords and swallowed by the Underground, so perhaps it should come as no surprise that some Bromley residents try to get a few bits and bobs for free whenever they can. And this weekend - as the visiting Red Army clamber off the buses and baulk at the daylight robbery of £6 pints in Big Smoke boozers - Parky and his gang will be preparing their own little heist on the field to bag eight wins in a row.
This fixture could also potentially be an FA Trophy Final rehearsal - with The Ravens taking on York City in the other semi during the first weekend of April.
But there’s a little matter of another play-off contender to tackle before we worry about that cup…
Sour grapes and fake sausages
FC Halifax Town went viral in 2021. Unfortunately, not due to any outstanding footballing achievement.
On November 24, the West Yorkshire phoenix club were featured on the wildly popular Footy Scran - a social media account that invites people to share pictures of the food they find at the football.
During Wrexham’s mid-week visit to The Shay, a Reds fan had wandered out to the away concourse (which is frustratingly bordered by a thicket just dense enough to obscure the pitch so you can’t watch the game with a pint; bastards) and visited the food van, purchasing a big bowl of juicy sausage, crispy chips and gooey gravy for £7.50.
The fan took it back to their seat, snapped a pic and popped it on Twitter - tagging Footy Scran in the process.
Some internet users lost their minds - claiming there was no way a footy ground sold food like that, or had the audacity to charge such a price. Even a couple of Halifax fans weighed in saying they didn’t recognise the grub (comments now deleted). At first, they just couldn’t seem to accept what was right in front of them.
Halifax manager Pete Wild had a similar issue that night. But whilst fans expressed scepticism over sausages, the Shay gaffer was too busy being in complete denial about his team’s defeat on the field.
Late goals from JJ and Pele had secured a 2-1 comeback win for Wrexham under the lights - sparking delirious scenes in the away end - and Wild couldn’t believe his eyes, apparently on the verge of bursting into tears during his post-match interview.
“With all the money and all the clout [Wrexham have] got and we’ve basically run them off the park tonight,” he fibbed and moaned, unable to recognise that his team had failed to take their chances and got their just desserts.
“Somehow [Wrexham have] had two shots at goal and scored two goals,” Wild lied again.
“But obviously when they’re paying silly money for centre forwards then that’s what it gets you, which is ludicrous but it is what it is.”
Judging from his Dean Saunders-esque response to that defeat - making erroneous statements about game stats and just hoping people wouldn’t notice - Wild will be jonesing for revenge at The Racecourse on Tuesday.
Any Stockport fans still bothering to pay attention to the chasing pack will be keeping their fingers crossed for a draw, but it seems likely that both sides will be going all out for three points in the circumstances.
It’s got all the makings of an absolute humdinger.