Escape from the Non-League Hotel
The main getaway mission is on pause this weekend: It’s rag pudding and cup dreams instead as Oldham come to town.
Rag puddings wandering the corridors
We have some rather prestigious visitors coming to Y Cae Ras this Sunday lunch-time.
It’s not another Tinseltown trailer containing shiny celebs like Toyota’s Head Caterer Chet Peterson (aka Will Ferrell).
No, these guests are a group of somewhat faded stars. But stars they most certainly were once upon a time.
We’re talking about the old second tier champions and League Cup finalists: A club that knows what it’s like to touch the hallowed ground of the Premier League and go toe-to-toe with the best clubs in Britain.
This weekend, we welcome the famous Oldham Athletic.
It’s the first of two visits we can expect from The Latics this season - with David Unsworth and co scheduled to make another schlep to Wales for our National League fixture in April.
Truthfully, though, they won’t be the most pleasant company. They’re still reeling from a truly miserable couple of years.
Spring 2022 was particularly bad. This was the moment Oldham wrote grim history by becoming the first ever top tier team to slip through the cracks of the Football League pyramid.
Athletic have the biggest pedigree of any club to ever find itself kicking balls around in the Land of Bovril and Terrace Bars - but their journey thus far has just followed the footprints of so many others who fell before them.
The story so often goes like this: A relegated behemoth team wipes away its tears, rallies the army of fans, and approaches an unfamiliar set of tinpot fixtures with a boastful swagger, ready to treat the trip to the dilapidated surroundings of the fifth tier as if it were a temporary stay in a shabby budget B&B.
It’s not the end of the world, fans agree. They won’t spend much time here, and they’ll soon be back home in the FL before the rough edges of their short-term lodgings lose their exotic charm.
Indeed, the whole season will be a semi-pro safari: With fans marvelling in amazement at the ineptitude of officials, the crumbling stadia, and the inadequate facilities.
But what nobody tells you about the Non-League Hotel is that there’s enough anarchy within its walls to baffle High-Rise author J.G. Ballard. And the pair of exits back to salvation can seem impossible to find.
We know this, because we’ve been there.
Back in 2008, Wrexham merrily walloped title favourites Stevenage Borough 5-0 on our non-league debut - cementing an entrenched arrogance that captain Tom Kearney would lead Nat Brown, Levi Mackin, and Christian Smith on a hand-in-hand jaunt to the front door of the Football League.
But it didn’t work out like that. Fourteen years on, we’re still trapped here. And Oldham might be coming to terms with the reality of this labyrinthian boarding house just as we had to.
Indeed, The Latics are already looking utterly bewildered and bereft of ideas on how to navigate their way out - languishing in 19th place (closer to the bin door of regionalised football than the front gates of Football League World). It’s been a rude awakening for them - as it is for everyone who finds themselves down here - so a break from the increasing panic brought on by blindly wandering the ugly halls of the Non-League Hotel will do them good. This weekend, they can take a detour and dive into the FA Cup pool.
Of course, we’ll try and get them kicked out of here as quickly as possible. There seems to be a serious appetite among Reds for a real FA Cup run this season - even for the voracious residents of a town that conjured up one of the competition’s most magical moments.
Oldham haven’t been to Y Cae Ras since 2005, so provided they can remember how to get here, this will be a toothsome fixture reminiscent of the good old days when we were both plying our trades in the FL. The league match at Boundary Park earlier this season conjured up sweet memories of yesteryear, and it was a glorious finish, too - with Pele putting on a version of The Late Late Show that pinched us three points like host James Corden steals jokes.
In the month that’s passed since that last-gasp penalty, Oldham have fumbled and stumbled, whilst Wrexham have been banging in goals left, right and centre.
On paper, there’s only one winner. But there’s always the danger that the BBC’s well-worn aphorism “the magic of the cup” - which basically means anyone can beat anyone - may prove to be a curse this time. We’re not really used to it working against us like that.
But let’s see. If Pele is in the mood for some more bicycle kicks and Ollie really fancies a few more holiday poses in front of the Tech End, we’ll hit the back of the net enough times to put us in the hat for Round Two.
This isn’t the Jester match that some were hankering for - but it’s going to be a bloody feisty one regardless. The Latics’ windbag chairman Frank Rothwell has even been fanning the flames himself - claiming Wrexham will cease to exist when RR McReynolds walk away, but that sort of thing “will never happen to Oldham”.
Ok, then.
The cushy Racecourse accommodation fit for the Hollywood elite whom Flatcap Frank pretends to have “never heard of” will have to be removed this weekend. There’s simply no room for hospitality for fallen Premier League giants if we want to reach the big rounds.
Any Welsh locals with an appetite for Oldham’s famous rag pudding should dodge that dish for a weekend. We need the FA Cup Gods to smile on us and daren’t tempt bad fate. Because the next tie could be even tastier than this one.
Good article. Articulately written as ever.
They came, they saw, they scuttled back home to their puddings
We’ve paid our dues to this league.
Great article as usual.