Here we are. The very first issue of Chips for a Quid: The latest addition to the ever-burgeoning universe of Wrexham AFC content.
As the clamour around the club continues, supporters have rushed to meet demand - giving rise to a stonking selection of fan-generated media including a beloved babble of podcasts (Fearless in Devotion, Rob. Ryan. Red. and Dragonheart) bloggers, vloggers and TikTok-ers.
This newest addition to the world of Wrexham content isn’t really new at all. Which is to say it’s actually kind of old-fashioned in comparison. Just words on a page, a few sardonic observations, and a tongue-in-cheek title inspired by a fanbase-wide plea for £1 fried potatoes on matchday.
Chips for a Quid is a lighthearted look back at the previous week of Wrexham football club. With each seven-day period more chaotic than the last, this newsletter will attempt to capture and condense the news into something relatively palatable - then beam it straight to email inboxes.
We’re kicking things off with a bumper edition looking back over the month of January, and from here on in we’ll look at publishing some ramblings and musings on a weekly basis.
If all goes well, there could be some bigger stuff in the pipeline. But to echo the words of anyone who might have spent the past 31 days completing the sober marathon that is Dry January: Let’s take it one day at a time.
A great time to be a tourist
London Away Days are always a slog - even after 3-0 victory - so you need to find ways to keep yourself entertained.
On the train back from Barnet in October, a cadre of rosy-faced Welshmen passed the time by holding tins of cider aloft and slurring a bastardised version of ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ that went:
“We’re the Wrexham, the mighty Wrexham, we always wiiiiin awaaaaay.”
As the hiss of freshly-cracked cans punctured the coach at increasing frequency, the group began to become more incomprehensible. They could barely speak by the time we got to Cheshire, and one of them fell asleep in the station bar during the layover, putting him at very real risk of being left behind in Crewe: A British seaside town without a beach.
The fella was spared a night in the region of arcades and takeaways after being stirred from his slumber by a Tannoy announcement, and as he staggered from his chair towards the platform he found his voice again.
“We’re the Wrexham, the mighty Wrexham, we always wiiiiin awaaaaay.”
Understandably, none of the commuters who walked past this man - the rotund football fan with a web of saliva attaching his protruding lip to the Prince of Wales feathers on his chest - would have considered him a visionary.
But it turns out he was actually onto something. Wrexham have been bloody good away this season, and even when they haven’t won, they’ve given the jumbo-sized travelling support something to cheer.
Pele Mullin’s pearler down in Somerset on January 22 set Wrexham on course for a 2-1 win at Yeovil - but also cemented a new club record.
That goal meant the team had scored in their first 14 away league matches - something no previous Wrexham side has ever done before. It also meant they’d netted in their first 16 matches in all competitions - a club feat untouched since 1902.
We’re living through what is turning out to be one of the best seasons in history to watch Wrexham away: Good results, massive followings, and guaranteed goals.
But despite an unprecedented scoring streak on the road, fans were mostly distracted by a different club record last month. The one that got other football supporters all over the country in a right old huff. The one with a six-figure headline. The one that screamed “Hollywood money”.
The fireworks factory
Trawling Wrexham fan Twitter in January 2022, I was constantly reminded of a Simpsons scene in which Milhouse Van Houten watches a cartoon on TV. The animated characters Itchy and Scratchy are travelling to the fireworks factory, with anticipation building as they pass each signpost. But just as they’re about to arrive, nothing happens.
Milhouse pounds his fists on the floor and whines.
“When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?!”
Wrexham fans began to blur into this frustrated kid during last month’s transfer window. We had the money to make spectacular, explosive signings that would light up the skies. But each new day fizzled out into another false dawn.
When were we gonna get to the fireworks factory?
Despite pleas from The Transatlantic Translator Humphrey Ker to stay calm and illeist Shaun Harvey’s claims that four new faces were incoming, Wrexham fans’ hyperactivity was beyond control, as everyone took turns to prod the social media admins with a virtual stick and urge them to “announce a signing”.
Adding to the restlessness was the lure of a first live game at Y Cae Ras for nearly six weeks.
The opposition were fellow promotion pushers Grimsby - one of just four teams to have beaten visiting Wrexham in 2021/22. But just as The Cod Army clambered out of the Humber and prepared to swim 170 miles west to Wales, news came in that Wrexham had indeed made that explosive signing. An ex-Grimsby striker, no less.
Ollie Palmer’s arrival in Wales saw the club gleefully smash another longstanding record - the highest transfer fee ever paid - by forking out an eye-watering £300,000 to AFC Wimbledon (which eclipsed the £210,000 paid for Joey Jones in 1978).
With Welsh sports stadiums reopening, fans would be able to see the new signing make his bow. But sadly, some hospitality coronavirus restrictions were still clinging on with as much pointless defiance as Gary Mills claiming that pre-match pints were as beneficial as warm-up drills. So, whilst we could stand side-by-side and roar at the top of our lungs in the ground, we had to sit down and stay two metres apart in any surrounding pub/restaurant beforehand.
The pre-match atmosphere was ever-so-slightly muted in town as a result, but not so in Y Cae Ras. Palmer pounced on a rebound to lift the metaphorical roof off the stadium, diving into the fans and then turning around to face them once more after the celebrations had cooled - spreading his arms wide to bask in the glory.
His debut goal proved to be the winner and the 6ft 5” battering ram had revelled in the electric atmosphere.
“It was an amazing feeling to hear [the fans] singing,” Palmer told the press afterwards in fluent southern drawl.
“... mainly Paul Mullin songs.”
If that was a little hint of envy bubbling to the surface from our most expensive striker in history, he needn’t worry. The Tech End is cooking up a Palmer song to the tune of “Heaven is a place on Earth” and it should catch on soon enough.
Not that it’s a competition, of course. Pele Mullin and Ollie Palmer will hopefully be more ‘Yorke & Cole’ than ‘Shaq & Kobe’ - working in perfect harmony rather than battling one another to be Wrexham’s Big Star.
The great thing about being Hollywood is that there’s enough room here now for an ensemble cast of marquee names.
Just two days after Palmer turned up, Crewe’s Callum McFadzean signed on the dotted line, with Burton Albion’s Tom O’Connor arriving amid some serious fanfare on deadline day for a non-disclosed fee.
The Wrexham story has got some troupe, now.
Slip-ups and wind-ups
But even the best stars fluff their lines, sometimes.
In the final match of the month against Maidenhead, the often-immaculate Pele Mullin was sent off for a high boot after just four minutes, leaving us to play for pretty much a full game with 10 men.
Turns out this was another record - and a distinctly more unpleasant one. The fastest red card in Wrexham AFC history.
Despite their lowly league standing, part-time Maidenhead have claimed some tasty scalps against some of the better sides in the division - beating Wrexham, Bromley, Chesterfield and Halifax this season. Again, they showed their spirit by pinching a point at The Racecourse in the final minute with a free header, leaving the whopping 8,000+ crowd head-in-hands.
A special shout-out to Maidenhead’s number 8 - a substitute who had barely been involved in the match but gleefully celebrated the goal by ignoring his teammates’ revelries, vaulting from one side of the pitch to the other specifically to goad the Paddock. He was given a yellow card for being a knob and then celebrated the booking by shaking his fists in the air.
Shithousery at its finest.
Still, he wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last. Players without any innate reason to dislike Wrexham are far more preoccupied with cheering in front of our supporters than their own these days, it seems.
Earlier in the month, Yeovil striker Tom Knowles - without any provocation whatsoever - decided to mark his first goal in five matches by cupping his ears to the Wrexham fans, and various other players throughout the season have been ‘giving the business’ - as McElhenney once described it - to the Red Army whenever they get the chance.
We’ve always been a team that people like to beat - especially at this level. But the Hollywood effect appears to have instilled fresh abhorrence in the opposition.
“The neutral wants us to do well, but to anybody else in the league they hate us,” Tozer told The Times.
“We are a Welsh club playing in an English league. We have got all the noise surrounding us, the cameras. People probably think ‘who do these guys think they are’?”
The good news is that if these new signings click, the sight of shushing fingers is something we hopefully won’t have to worry about too much...
Scraps from the fryer… Other January news
Wrong side of the border
There hasn’t been a Wrexham-Chester derby match for almost four years now. But the bitterness between the biggest two clubs in North Wales is evidently still as sharp as it’s always been.
Supporters were at each other’s virtual throats on social media last month when local reporter ‘Tomi Caws’ ran a story reasonably questioning why Chester FC were allowed to have fans inside their ground, despite their stadium residing in Wales (where supporters were temporarily forbidden).
The Welsh authorities admitted he’d raised a valid point and an inquiry began, but Jester fans did not appreciate their shameful open secret being shared with the powers that be - with some calling for the journalist’s head both figuratively and literally.
They didn’t get their wish. He’s still on the beat - with North Wales Live even sending the lad on a career highlight gig to interview the Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
Hollywood theme park
Our massive floodlights continue to lure the celebs. The latest being none other than Rob Burgundy himself.
During a recent appearance on the Men in Blazers podcast, Will Ferrell announced that he is planning on visiting Wrexham in February.
A clip plucked from social media shows the comedian - clad head-to-toe in sports gear - declaring he would visit The Racecourse… just as soon as he’d been to Queens Park Rangers and Fulham.
If RR McReynolds join Ferrell to see our new signings in action, North Wales could turn into a spot-a-celebrity theme park for a day or two.
Last year, it was a Danny DeVito lookalike that sent Twitter into meltdown. Wonder who it will be this time? Perhaps the cast of Anchorman - who could battle other camera crews sent by the national broadsheets and tabloids to capture Ferrell in the flesh.
The Captain’s coming to Aldi
Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth, Wrexham Lager enjoyed one of its biggest wins since they turned the taps back on in 2011.
The brewery has struck a deal with Aldi to get their bottles of good stuff - both Wxm and Bootlegger - into 832 supermarkets across England and Wales.
It means that Wrexham fans can now - as per the in-vogue terrace song - get battered everywhere they go, but on their hometown brew.
CFAQ raises a glass to the brewery and The Captain on quite a feat.
Iechyd da!
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