For God’s sake, leave us alone, we’re trying to win the league here
How did it all come down to this?
Panic! At The Football
Neuroscientists have produced studies that show stress actually causes the brain to shrink - reducing our ability to respond sensibly or rationally in intense situations.
Anyone who’s attended a football game in May will be familiar with this sensation. It’s the time of year when we all get caught in a tizzy; squeezed so tightly by the emotion of the big match days we can barely think straight.
Panic is not a good look, and it often causes people to do some very strange things. The past week alone has thrown up countless examples.
Housing Secretary and pretend QPR fan Michael Gove performed an impromptu one-man play of nightmarish impressions when he was pressured about a pending government announcement.
Chesterfield gaffer Paul Cook angrily terminated an interview with a BBC journalist after being repeatedly asked why his former title-pushing team have gone to shit.
And Flintshire Seals FC - or whatever they’re calling themselves these days - were so desperate to fill their vacant manager slot for next season they hired the work experience lad.
Panic aplenty. And a meltdown of epic proportions was pencilled in for Wednesday night at Edgeley Park as County played Torquay United.
The once-immovable hat-shaped object of Stockport (12 points ahead of us in Feb) has been seriously wobbling in recent weeks, and they were finally dislodged from the summit of the National League on Sunday after a 3-0 Racecourse walloping.
You could see the cartoon lines quivering around the Hatters’ convoy of buses as they sheepishly trembled down Crispin Lane and back across the border. Most of Noel Gallagher’s neighbours on board were surely wondering: “Have we blown it?”
It would’ve been a long trip home, for sure. And no doubt their ears were ringing all the way. Everything at Y Cae Ras had been turned up to 11 to make County’s Cymru visit as profoundly uncomfortable as possible - with the sound system pumping out Kernkraft 400 at twice the usual volume and European-style boos and whistles punctuating County’s early spells in possession.
After starting well and missing a few decent chances - with some superb stops from Lil’ Dibble - County began to get a headache, firing panicked passes to their teammates who had to take three or four touches to get the ball under control.
The decibels reached ear-splitting levels when The Billionaire Bulldozer Ollie Palmer nodded in Wrexham’s opener, ratcheting up another notch when Pele made it two and again when Ollie got a third.
As Red shirts twirled in the air and pensioners danced on the stairs, County’s players and fans assumed a grim complexion. They were all thinking the same thing: “For God’s sake, shut up Wrexham and leave us alone - we’re trying to win the fucking league here.”
You can’t blame them for being miffed. Wrexham have had the audacity to turn this one-horse race into a photo finish, and Sunday’s spanking only increased speculation the Hat was about to fall off at the final hurdle.
Messiah Manager Dave Challinor singled out players for criticism and demanded more from his team for the next game, and when Torquay turned up on Weds it was palpably tense in Greater Manchester.
Another scalp seemed like it could be on the cards. After all, there’s nothing more distracting than a flock of gulls swooping into your town in the middle of the week when you’re trying to secure promotion.
But County stayed calm. Annoyingly, frustratingly, and impressively calm.
The Gulls didn’t manage to pinch any points or piss over any chips despite rattling the woodwork late on, and Paddy Madden’s goal was enough for a 1-0 win to put the Baddies back on top.
Sighs of relief all round in Stockport and fans suddenly found their tongues again. The job is nearly done. They’re three points clear now and if they beat Halifax on the final day, that’s it. Even a draw would be enough.
But we have high, high hopes for some Panic! At The Football yet. If Stockport cock up on tele and we do the business down in Dagenham, it’ll be a perfect way to end a season suffused with glorious comebacks.
And that’s it. This newsletter has shoehorned in the last of its desperate puns and attempted to joke about the final day drama as if it were just another weekend of silly men running around on some grass.
That’s our coping mechanism. But you gotta do what you gotta do to prepare yourself for the biggest Wrexham match in years.
Put on your lucky socks. Drink an extra Wrexham Lager. Binge Rob & Ryan’s commentary videos. Revisit this season’s last-minute winners. Watch the Dover highlights. Rewind the Dover highlights. Listen to Dragonheart and Fearless in Devotion and RobRyanRed. Circle the date for the Welcome to Wrexham premier. Plan your day out at Wembley. Pick through Pele Mullin’s 26 glorious goals. Order a Fat Boar. See Ollie roar. Remember that local lads Coedy Assassin and Non-League Nesta are only going to get better. Sign the Kop petition. Sip your tea from that Always Sunny in Wrexham mug you got for Christmas. Think positive. Think Football League. Think Hollywood. Breathe. Sing. Pray.
It’s over to Parky and the boys, now. See you on the other side.